FA Cup: Whitstable Town’s big day out at Wealdstone – the ninth-tier dreamers chasing history and place in first-round draw

It’s overcast, definitely jumper weather.

Club chairman Steve Clayton is standing away from the main group, phone pressed to his ear. 10:10am. Still no coach.

I get chatting with a few players. Brazilian teenage centre-back Thiago Ferreira says he’s got a psychology test on Monday. “Mum wanted me to bring my homework.” I’ll leave you to decide whether any homework was done.

10:15am… 10:20am… Just as thoughts turn to the most underwhelming forfeit in FA Cup history, the coach finally appears. The wait is worth it – this is the “posh bus,” apparently.

The table next to me is deep into a card game called Tricky Mickey. I never quite work out the rules, only that the lowest cards are good. Mickey loses. (He’s actually called Mikey, but we persist.)

Across the aisle, goalkeeper Daniel Colmer, egged on by his team-mates, turns £20 into £200 on online blackjack. He shows remarkable composure to cash out as the squad dare him to go again. When the fun stops, stop – and he did.

I grab a word with Joe Healy. Once a Millwall prospect under Dennis Wise and Ray Wilkins, he came off the bench against Liverpool in the 2004 League Cup, sharing the pitch with Milan Baros and Jerzy Dudek months before Istanbul.

These days, he’s balancing football with family life – both kids were sick in the night. Thinking the worst was over, he gave them yogurt en route to the coach drop-off. More sick. All down the car.

By the time we reach north-west London, spirits are high. Wealdstone – four divisions higher – is famous as the birthplace of the Wealdstone Raider, whose “You want some? I’ll give it ya” line went viral a decade ago. Naturally, 95% of this assignment is about finding him.

At the ground, I’m surprised to see star striker Javaun Splatt – who was supposed to be on international duty with the British Virgin Islands. He did indeed go, grabbing an assist in a 4-1 defeat to Grenada, but made it back for the big one. He’s straight into the starting XI as manager Jamie Coyle blu-tacks the team sheet to the dressing room wall.

And when it’s time for the team talk, it’s a classic.

“No one is expecting us to do anything today, except us in these four walls. If we deliver what we’re capable of, we can put a massive upset across this whole country,” says Coyle, sprinkling a few f-bombs for emphasis. “I haven’t said it to anyone outside these walls, but I think we’re going to win today.”

Coyle tells me this isn’t just “a day out” – and it shows. Splatt starts in a 4-3-3, an ambitious approach given the 96 league positions between the two sides.

Dean Grant, one of the front three, had told me earlier as we waited to board at Whitstable: “It’s nearly Halloween – they’re in for a fright.” A touch premature, being three weeks early, but the confidence is admirable.

Unfortunately, it takes less than three minutes for the fright to arrive at the other end. The ball is worked to former Baller League and Hashtag United star Sak Hassan, who slices through Whitstable’s defence and sets up Micah Obiero for 1-0. By 38 minutes, it’s 5-0.

“We’re gonna win 6-5,” comes the chant from the travelling fans, who have packed out much of the away end.

Half-time. The dream is dead – or so it seems.

A brief, fruitless hunt for the Raider later, I’m back just in time to see Whitstable make a fast start to the second half. Seconds after kick-off, Grant pokes home to reduce the deficit. For the next 10 minutes, Whitstable pour forward. One Wealdstone fan behind me is completely losing it as his team start to wobble.

But the comeback never really takes off. The full-time whistle brings a 5-1 defeat. But as Wealdstone’s fans applaud their visitors off, Whitstable’s players walk away heads high.

The baton of the competition’s lowest-ranked side now passes to Maldon & Tiptree of the eighth tier – but Whitstable Town’s story will live on.